Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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