Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
