I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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