Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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