Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
