I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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