Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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