Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
