I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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