Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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