she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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