My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
