i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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