I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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