I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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