It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
