Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
