So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
