Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This baby is an asshole
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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