I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
