My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
