I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize