she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
