I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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