Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
