wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
