I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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