at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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