she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
