he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
