Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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