I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
