my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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