put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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