If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
