So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
