a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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