She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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