You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
