That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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