dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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