so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
