So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
