My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
