I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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