Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
