I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
