i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
