The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
