I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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