We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
