oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
