I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
