DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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