6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize