Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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