He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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