I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
