i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize