i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
