ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
