So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
