ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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