I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
