How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
