After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize