remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He shit in the fireplace
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